Through my infertility journey I have met some of the bravest and strongest women I have ever met. We all have different backgrounds and different journeys, but we are all yearning for one thing.. our baby(s).
I am a part of several wonderful groups of woman that support and encourage each other through each painful procedure, loss, or victory. I also have a small group of ladies I actual meet and talk to about all things Fertility.
When one of the ladies finally has success and achieves a healthy pregnancy everyone is over joyed and excited but depending on where they are in their journey, it can bring to surface the pain they suffer because it is still not “their turn”.
After 5 years and numerous trials and losses, I have done it. I have “survived” infertility. I have a beautiful (and very difficult) 2 1/2 year old and God willing (oh Lord I pray) an already very difficult little girl on the way. By the end of August I will be an infertility success story. I will have fought the fight and been able to complete my family.
With that success comes something no one can prepare you for.. the guilt. Many times a week I speak to or read on Facebook about a friend or group member that had a failed procedure or lost the baby she was carrying. It is heart wrenching and devastating. That’s when the guilt creeps in. Why am I a lucky one? How can I feel so happy when people I care about are suffering.
Being a part of someone’s infertility journey brings with it all the pain and emotions they feel. I have spent many a night in tears crying out to God for one of my friends. And now here I am successfully pregnant. I have made it. I am lucky and blessed. And I am also a reason someone I know has had feelings of “why her and not me.”
I am so grateful for my journey and I am so grateful for the women I have met along the way. I am in awe of the privilege to walk with them on this hard journey and have them share their pain and success. I may be in the success category right now but it will never erase the memory of all the years that I was not.
Every time the guilt sinks in, when I see yet another woman struggling, I turn to God and I pray. Infertility is the hardest and worst experience of my life but has also taught me the most and God has blessed me through it. I may be close to having my family but I won’t stop trying to encourage and help others that are still yearning and trying for theirs.
I didn’t ask for this, but God has changed me because of it. Yes I have “survivor’s guilt”, but I know that God will use me to help someone else.
Diary of an Infertile Runner 